Just Another Mother’s Day


Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels

I thought I could avoid it. Really, I did. I don’t know why, but I did. Turns out, I was wrong. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I didn’t post anything, or do what we usually do, or make a big deal, I could trick my heart into thinking that it wouldn’t feel as much pain this year. And honestly, I thought I had pulled it off. Mother’s Day came and went. We did enough. Went to church, bought lunch so I didn’t have to make it, Blake and the kids surprised me with gifts, grilled out for dinner, and I even got to plant my flower bed.It was a nice day! I went the whole day feeling like I didn’t really feel a lot, which I thought was a good thing.

In case you need caught up, because of the loss of our three baby boys, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for me. Every. Single. Year. It’s always a mixed bag of emotions. Joy and grief simultaneous. And so, this year I decided that the pain was too much and I just didn’t want to feel it. Every time I felt the pain creeping in, I would push it back down and ignore it. Every time I was tempted to feel sad, I would shake my head “no” and distract myself with something else. It was all a big charade, this fooling myself. All over facebook and instagram I saw people making posts about how Mother’s Day can be so hard and how nobody is alone and they’re sending out love and prayers. It’s something I usually do too. I thought about doing it yesterday, but something inside me just said, “Nope, not this year. I don’t want to open myself up this time. It hurts too bad. Nobody will miss it anyway.”

Yet, here I am. Only one day after Mother’s Day. Because guess what? I took one look at my blooming hydrangea plant and it all caught up to me. The pain from Judah’s birthday. The burden of the twins’ upcoming due date. And Mother’s Day. It all hit me smack in the face and there was no denying it anymore. I stood out there in my yard, watering my freshly planted flowers, Fletcher on my hip, weeping. I. Could not. Escape. My grief. This side of glory, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I never will. And I’m trying to accept that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. My grief is what makes me relatable. It’s what helps me see the pain in others. It’s what makes me a better, more grateful mom. It’s what gets me running full force into the arms of Jesus. It’s also what helps to make me look more like Him.

Oh dear friends, this road is anything but easy. In fact, it’s hard as hell. It’s brutal, and soul crushing,and heart wrenching. It’s painful, it’s unfair. And just. Plain. Hard. But can I tell you one thing it’s not? It isn’t hopeless. Of course there are moments, even days that it feels that way. But that feeling never stays. No. Jesus doesn’t let it. And even on the nights when I’m afraid of a new day, it still comes. And with it, new promises, fresh hope, and the ever-loving arms of Jesus. I still cry, and feel sad, and ache so badly to hold those boys in my arms. And that’s ok, good even. That’s the way God intended it to be. But I don’t ever have to lose hope.

Are you hurting today, dear one? Is the weight of death, or grief, or even life, hanging over your head? Me too. All of it. I feel it hard. Even now, as I sit here at this desk typing these words, I have tears falling down my face. I. Feel. It. Hard. And as much as I was trying to avoid it this year, I’m ok with it now. It doesn’t feel good, allowing my heart to actually feel the pain I’m trying to hide, but it’s necessary. It’s part of the healing. I’m trying to embrace it and let the walls I’ve built up around myself fall. I have so far to go on this journey of healing. I don’t know what it all will look like. It’s unsettling for me to not be in control. But I know that I’m going to be ok, because I know that my God is Good. I’m not alone. I never will be. And while I will never have a Mother’s Day that isn’t shrouded in pain, I have much to be grateful for.

I guess I need to get used to this whole “joy and grief” simultaneous thing, because it goes far beyond Mother’s Day, and into every single day of my life. I invite you to join me on my journey, because even though our circumstances may be different, we need each other. We need someone beside us to breathelife into us when we feel like we’re suffocating. We need someone to help us stand when we feel too broken to hold ourselves up. We need someone to help us see when our eyes are too blurred by tears. We need someone to take our hand when we seem to have forgotten our way. We need each other. And I’m so glad God intended it that way.

Create 2019

quote calligraphy under cup of lemon tea
Photo by Studio 7042 on Pexels.com

By now it’s basically the end of January, and many of you may have already abandoned your resolutions for 2019. Right? I get it. You get all pumped up and ready to go when we ring in the new year, and then a few weeks go by, reality sets in and you see your resolutions slowly slipping through your fingers. Well, here in the Behr household we have ceased setting resolutions every year. We are, however, firm believers in goal setting. I know, I know, they sound so much the same. But believe it or not, there’s actually a big difference.

Probably about 3-4 years ago Blake purchased Michael Hyatt’s 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever course. He and a friend completed it, and that whole year I watched incredible growth in his life. There were some kinks to work out, to be sure, but he just kept accomplishing goal after goal after goal. So the following year, he invited me to do the course with him. I wasn’t quite sure it was “for me,” but after watching him grow so much I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. So I did it with him! And you know what? It was super fun, I learned SO MUCH, and I got a whole lot more accomplished that year. We’ve been doing it together every year since. Hyatt’s whole “thing” is creating SMARTER goals for yourself. I’m a terrible goal setter. My goals are usually crazy vague and far too open ended. I have a hard time really zoning in my goals. Luckily for me I have Blake right by my side to help me narrow things down, and ask the right kinds of questions to get my goals where I need them to be. I highly recommend taking this course! The registration for the class is currently closed, but join that waitlist and sign up the second you can. It is worth every. single. penny. (P.s.-this is no way a paid advertisement for the class, I just really love it that much).

All of that to say, one of my goals for 2019 is to exercise my creativity more. That was my first goal, which is way too broad. As a creative, it feeds my soul whenever I get to create. And I love to create in all sorts of manners. Some people are exceptional photographers, and others are amazing seamstresses, while some are professional level bakers or chefs. As for me, well, I’m not an expert in anything, but I love to dabble a bit in everything. I knew I could commit to trying to really hone in on one skill, but I know myself, and how I can get burnt out doing that. I just love doing all sorts of creative things, it’s too hard to narrow it down to only one. Which got me thinking. As I worked through what I wanted my year to look like, I decided to try something new. And guys, I am so excited about it.

Every month this year, my goal is to pursue some sort of creative endeavor. At the beginning of every quarter, I’m going to map out what that specific quarter will look like. This month, my goal was to make macarons. And friends, I took off with it. Blake is so awesome and supportive, he planned an in-date for us to make them together. We made Smore’s Macarons, and other than not being able to get our marshmallow fluff to fluff up, they turned out surprisingly well. Plus, they were delicious. My Pinterest dessert board is filled with macaron recipes and I’m dying to try them all. I signed my oldest up for a macaron making class at a local Macaron Bar as a surprise. I’m so excited to tell her-and to learn right alongside her. Plus, a good friend of mine who has nailed macaron making after taking a class has offered to have me over to teach me all the tips and tricks. To say I’m excited would be an understatement.

Mmmmmmm
That marshmallow was goopy, but man were they delicious

I’ll be chronicling my creative endeavors on social media, and here on the blog using the hashtag #create2019. I would love for you to follow along! It’s gonna be seriously fun. I would love any ideas for what to create as well! I have this quarter planned out, plus a few ideas for the following months, but the calendar isn’t full yet, and I would love to have some input! As always, thanks for coming along. I’m so excited to see what this year holds for my creative soul.