Mother’s Day

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I love Mother’s Day. It’s the perfect day to spend time with loved ones, get some yard work done, and make excuses for eating that extra donut (I’ve raised 3 kids, I totally earned it, right?). My girls are super festive-especially my oldest. They LOVE to celebrate. I can’t blame them, they get it from me. The very first thing Lane said to me when we woke up this morning was, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!” In fact, I think I love this little holiday more and more every year.

I am so grateful for the family that God has given me. A loving husband, three beautiful girls. They give me all the warm and fuzzy feelings. All of them. I love getting to be a momma. It’s such a beautiful privilege. I have learned so much these past 5 years, and I wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world. Truly, I am so very blessed. However, on this day, I can’t help but turn my heart and mind to those babies that I’ve lost. Judah’s birthday is May 2, and my due date for the twins was supposed to be at the end of May, which makes this a particularly difficult month for us.

I don’t understand why my babies had to be taken away from me-I don’t think I ever will. I long for their arms around my waist and to hear their tiny voices whisper, “I love you” into my ear. How I wish I could have seen their grubby little fingers as they helped to plant our garden today, to see their muddy footprints all over our floors. These are things I will not have this side of heaven. And I don’t know why. I feel the weight of it every day. But particularly this month, and especially today. It’s not an easy road to walk, I don’t think it ever will be. I hear different things from different people. “It never gets any easier” “Things will get better, just give it time” “There will be good days and bad days.” I think they’re all true, in different ways. In some ways, it simply does not get easier. It is never easy to look at little boy clothes, or to hear about twins. Some things are truly better-my perspective for one. And while a part of me aches all the time, some days I simply ache more than others. Today is one of those days.

So for all of you beautiful women out there-those who have lost babies, and those who cannot have babies, know this: I’m right there in the trenches with you. You are not alone in your pain. And while I may or may not know you, I am praying for you. It’s ok if Mother’s Day is a hard day for you. It’s a hard day for me too. And my sorrow does not negate my joy. Somehow they are intertwining to write a beautiful story-one I could never write on my own. It is well known that there is beauty in joy, but there is beauty in sadness as well; a beauty all it’s own, a beauty we may not ever understand. But God is working, He’s painting a picture we can’t quite yet see. I yearn for the day when I can see my Savior face to face and He can show me the beauty that lay in all of my pain.

But until then, sweet friends, let’s cling to one another. Let’s pray for each other, lift each other up. Laugh together, cry together, rejoice and weep and celebrate and mourn-sometimes all at the same time. Let’s hold each other’s hands and walk this road together. Because, beloved, this road was never meant to be walked alone.

 

Wandering

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I don’t know where to start, really. To be honest, I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. Right now I’m feeling all the feels, and the best way for me to process that is to write. Sometimes I just get this inspiration-this urgency-to write. Stop everything. Get out of bed. Go downstairs. Grab my laptop. And write. So here I am. Writing. Processing. Wandering.

I’ve stepped away from this whole blogging thing for a minute. Not intentionally. Not at all on purpose. Not for any one specific reason. But I have. Mostly, it’s a lot of work. Take the pictures. Load the pictures. Find something to write about. Write the things. Add the pictures. Edit it. Publish it. Let people know that you published it. It doesn’t sound like a lot. But it FEELS like a lot. Especially since it’s so hard to write when I hear “mom……mom…..mommy…..mom…..” in the middle of every sentence. It’s usually best that I wait for the kids to go to bed before I write another post. So that’s one reason. Another reason? Writing about Judah was exhausting. So. So. Exhausting. Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting that. Sure, I expected it to be hard. But boy, WAS IT HARD! I felt so drained after every post. I have no regrets. I’m so grateful I was able to get that part of our story out there. But I think I just really needed a little bit of a breather after that one. In addition to all that, we’ve just been insanely busy. We went on vacay to California for a week, had Eleanor’s birthday, and then my birthday, the big girls had their recital, I’m still working on my 20 Mile March purge (which is so close to being done, by the way), plus I started selling LipSense and Usborne Books (which was more time consuming than I anticipated). But I feel like things may just be starting to settle down a bit.

I’m going to get real here for a minute. Take it or leave it. I honestly believe God has big plans for me and this little blog. I really think it’s going to go places. Not because there’s anything special about me or what I have to say. But because I serve a God who loves His people and who wants those people to live in community-sharing each other’s burdens, lifting each other up, encouraging one another. And I think that can come in all sorts of forms. I think it can look like sharing our stories, like telling each other our favorite easy recipes, giving some fashion advice so we can all feel a little more beautiful, showing sweet moments with our kids. The sky is the limit really.  I believe the Lord has given me something to say, and I need to say it. I think people need to hear it. Because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I really need to hop on my computer and read what somebody else is doing, see what they’re walking through, and how they’re walking through it. Why? BECAUSE THEN I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT DOING IT ALONE. And I think that’s the point.

There’s this little part of me that’s scared of that reality. Do I really want my blog to get big? To reach people? That’s a pretty big responsibility. Sometimes that holds me back. And then there’s this other part of me that says, “What if you’re wrong? What if you pour your heart and soul into this and it never reaches anyone? What then?” Maybe it sounds silly, but I actually sometimes get this visual in my head of people pointing at me and laughing, because I’m a failure. When really, at the end of the day, if I don’t succeed by “blogging standards”, so what? Who really cares? I gave it my all and that’s all that really matters anyway, right? Guys, really. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so tired, but “all the feels” are keeping me from my sleep. Sometimes I wish my brain came with an “on/off” switch.

Anyway, if you could, would you pray for me? I need some guidance, some encouragement. It takes a lot of courage to just put yourself and all your feelings and emotions and things like that out there. Especially for me. I like to pretend like everything is all good, all the time. I’m super strong and can handle anything that life throws at me without ever cracking. I don’t really need anybody’s help because I can do it all on my own. Seriously? Who do I even think I am? That kinda livin is a lie. And so not good for me. I’m working on it. Believe it or not, I’ve actually come kind of a long way. But, boy oh boy, do I have a looooooong way to go.

If you’re still here with me, thanks for sticking with it. Sorry for my ramblings, and sorry for being all over the place with this post. Who knows, I may even wake up in the morning, read it, and then decide to delete it because it doesn’t make any sense. But at least I feel like I can sleep now. #writingtherapy I don’t even have a good way to sum it all up so I’m just gonna say bye. Goodnight. I hope this post doesn’t stop you from reading other posts. See ya!