Wandering

IMG_1813

I don’t know where to start, really. To be honest, I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. Right now I’m feeling all the feels, and the best way for me to process that is to write. Sometimes I just get this inspiration-this urgency-to write. Stop everything. Get out of bed. Go downstairs. Grab my laptop. And write. So here I am. Writing. Processing. Wandering.

I’ve stepped away from this whole blogging thing for a minute. Not intentionally. Not at all on purpose. Not for any one specific reason. But I have. Mostly, it’s a lot of work. Take the pictures. Load the pictures. Find something to write about. Write the things. Add the pictures. Edit it. Publish it. Let people know that you published it. It doesn’t sound like a lot. But it FEELS like a lot. Especially since it’s so hard to write when I hear “mom……mom…..mommy…..mom…..” in the middle of every sentence. It’s usually best that I wait for the kids to go to bed before I write another post. So that’s one reason. Another reason? Writing about Judah was exhausting. So. So. Exhausting. Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting that. Sure, I expected it to be hard. But boy, WAS IT HARD! I felt so drained after every post. I have no regrets. I’m so grateful I was able to get that part of our story out there. But I think I just really needed a little bit of a breather after that one. In addition to all that, we’ve just been insanely busy. We went on vacay to California for a week, had Eleanor’s birthday, and then my birthday, the big girls had their recital, I’m still working on my 20 Mile March purge (which is so close to being done, by the way), plus I started selling LipSense and Usborne Books (which was more time consuming than I anticipated). But I feel like things may just be starting to settle down a bit.

I’m going to get real here for a minute. Take it or leave it. I honestly believe God has big plans for me and this little blog. I really think it’s going to go places. Not because there’s anything special about me or what I have to say. But because I serve a God who loves His people and who wants those people to live in community-sharing each other’s burdens, lifting each other up, encouraging one another. And I think that can come in all sorts of forms. I think it can look like sharing our stories, like telling each other our favorite easy recipes, giving some fashion advice so we can all feel a little more beautiful, showing sweet moments with our kids. The sky is the limit really.  I believe the Lord has given me something to say, and I need to say it. I think people need to hear it. Because I need to hear it. Sometimes, I really need to hop on my computer and read what somebody else is doing, see what they’re walking through, and how they’re walking through it. Why? BECAUSE THEN I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT DOING IT ALONE. And I think that’s the point.

There’s this little part of me that’s scared of that reality. Do I really want my blog to get big? To reach people? That’s a pretty big responsibility. Sometimes that holds me back. And then there’s this other part of me that says, “What if you’re wrong? What if you pour your heart and soul into this and it never reaches anyone? What then?” Maybe it sounds silly, but I actually sometimes get this visual in my head of people pointing at me and laughing, because I’m a failure. When really, at the end of the day, if I don’t succeed by “blogging standards”, so what? Who really cares? I gave it my all and that’s all that really matters anyway, right? Guys, really. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so tired, but “all the feels” are keeping me from my sleep. Sometimes I wish my brain came with an “on/off” switch.

Anyway, if you could, would you pray for me? I need some guidance, some encouragement. It takes a lot of courage to just put yourself and all your feelings and emotions and things like that out there. Especially for me. I like to pretend like everything is all good, all the time. I’m super strong and can handle anything that life throws at me without ever cracking. I don’t really need anybody’s help because I can do it all on my own. Seriously? Who do I even think I am? That kinda livin is a lie. And so not good for me. I’m working on it. Believe it or not, I’ve actually come kind of a long way. But, boy oh boy, do I have a looooooong way to go.

If you’re still here with me, thanks for sticking with it. Sorry for my ramblings, and sorry for being all over the place with this post. Who knows, I may even wake up in the morning, read it, and then decide to delete it because it doesn’t make any sense. But at least I feel like I can sleep now. #writingtherapy I don’t even have a good way to sum it all up so I’m just gonna say bye. Goodnight. I hope this post doesn’t stop you from reading other posts. See ya!

Our Judah Story-Part 7-Recovery

img_1736

It’s hard to say how long my actual recovery took. Even after the memorial service and burial, even after my release from the hospital, I still had to be watched. My placenta had been a poison to my body, and though it was no longer a part of me, there was still a chance that I would develop some serious side effects. For one, we had to make sure that none of the placenta had broken off and remained in my body. I don’t know how much you know about placentas, but normally they come out spongelike-you can pick them up. Mine was in no way, shape, or form, solid. It was basically a gooey mess. My doctor who has been  doing his job for over 30 years said he had never seen anything like it. For another thing, we had to make sure I didn’t develop cancer. I had lots of follow up appointments, x-rays, blood work and the like done. It seemed like forever until I was released from bed rest.

I delivered Judah on May 2, 2012. The entire rest of our summer I was still really weak. I couldn’t do normal things, and taking care of Lane took about everything out of me. Thankfully, my parents had bought a camper that year, and we went camping almost every weekend. There is just something about being outside, relaxing around a campfire. It’s good for the soul. Normally, I’m the type of person who almost never gets sick. I couldn’t even count how many times I got sick that year. My body was still so weak, it couldn’t fight off any sickness. I love to sing, and was on the worship team at church, but singing literally hurt my lungs-in fact, it was physically difficult to sing. To say it was a long road to recovery would be an understatement. And that was just my body. I haven’t even talked about my heart.

One thing that helped hold me together was a phone call I had received from Dr. Harry the day after I delivered Judah. He heard that I had delivered the baby and wanted to know how I was doing. “I can’t believe you delivered the baby so quickly” he told me. “The medicine simply doesn’t work that way. You know, we see miracles everyday, but the fact that you delivered your baby so quickly is truly a miracle.” He said I probably miscarried on my own and my body simply passed Judah-he didn’t think it had anything to do with the medicine. Even when things are terrible, God is still good. I kept reminding myself of this moment, because it helped me to remember that God still remembered me

Friends, this was the worst time in my life. I have seen some really, really hard times since, but this trumps them all. Losing my first baby boy. Almost losing my life. Having to relinquish my motherly duties to somebody else. Not to mention the impact that losing our baby had on our marriage. I have yet to see a darker time in my life. But dear ones, I can also say with total confidence that I felt the Presence of my Sweet Jesus so fully during that hard season. I have never had more peace than I did in that wretched time. You see, even amidst all the pain, and the ugliness, and the disparity, there is still beauty. Jesus is telling a story in my life, through my life. Jesus is using me. He’s using my story. He is using Judah. One friend had to explain death to his little boy when we lost our son, and it resulted in his salvation. That was only one victory. And I know there will be others. I know my Judah’s life was not in vain. I know there is more to the story and I am excited to see what is to come.

Jesus held me during that time. He held me in that hospital room. He held me through the labor, through the delivery, through the sickness, and the pain, and the loneliness and the confusion. He held tightly onto me. He was holding me together. I easily could have died. I know I was close to it. But my Lord and my God kept me here for a reason. For such a time as this. I can’t take that lightly. I can’t just let that sit on the shelf and collect dust. He gave me a reason and a purpose. And I am here to tell you that He loves you too! He has a plan for you. A purpose. There is a reason you are here. There is a reason for the painful things in your life. There will be beauty, there will be peace, there will be redemption. I’ve seen it. I know it. And it is just as true for you as it is for me. So take heart, beloved. For your Savior is near.

I won’t lie to you. This path is not easy. Yes, I have healed, but there is still healing yet to come. I still don’t understand why my son was ripped away from me. This side of heaven I may never know. I still have hard days. There are still times when Blake finds me crying on the shower floor. There are still days where it’s hard to pass by the boy clothes in the baby section. It still hits me like a ton of bricks every time I meet a little boy named Judah. It will always be hard to visit his gravesite and physically see him apart from me. I don’t think those things will ever go away. I don’t think a day will ever pass where I don’t think of him. But even still, my God is good. And He is on my side. And He is guiding me through. I promise you, He will guide you too.

Thankfully, I never did develop that cancer. My body eventually returned to normal. And right around November-December, I got pregnant with our sweet Raegan. I had a great pregnancy, and an awesome delivery. Rae was a perfect little baby. A sign of hope for today and for the future. All of this is only the beginning of our Judah story. I know there is so much more to come. Judah: praised. Let His Name be praised above all other names. Even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts. May His Name be praised. Joseph: He will add. He is not done with our family yet. He will add joy. He will add babies. He will add life. He will add…He is not finished with me yet.