balance |

I thought I could avoid it. Really, I did. I don’t know why, but I did. Turns out, I was wrong. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I didn’t post anything, or do what we usually do, or make a big deal, I could trick my heart into thinking that it wouldn’t feel as much pain this year. And honestly, I thought I had pulled it off. Mother’s Day came and went. We did enough. Went to church, bought lunch so I didn’t have to make it, Blake and the kids surprised me with gifts, grilled out for dinner, and I even got to plant my flower bed.It was a nice day! I went the whole day feeling like I didn’t really feel a lot, which I thought was a good thing.

In case you need caught up, because of the loss of our three baby boys, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for me. Every. Single. Year. It’s always a mixed bag of emotions. Joy and grief simultaneous. And so, this year I decided that the pain was too much and I just didn’t want to feel it. Every time I felt the pain creeping in, I would push it back down and ignore it. Every time I was tempted to feel sad, I would shake my head “no” and distract myself with something else. It was all a big charade, this fooling myself. All over facebook and instagram I saw people making posts about how Mother’s Day can be so hard and how nobody is alone and they’re sending out love and prayers. It’s something I usually do too. I thought about doing it yesterday, but something inside me just said, “Nope, not this year. I don’t want to open myself up this time. It hurts too bad. Nobody will miss it anyway.”

Yet, here I am. Only one day after Mother’s Day. Because guess what? I took one look at my blooming hydrangea plant and it all caught up to me. The pain from Judah’s birthday. The burden of the twins’ upcoming due date. And Mother’s Day. It all hit me smack in the face and there was no denying it anymore. I stood out there in my yard, watering my freshly planted flowers, Fletcher on my hip, weeping. I. Could not. Escape. My grief. This side of glory, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I never will. And I’m trying to accept that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. My grief is what makes me relatable. It’s what helps me see the pain in others. It’s what makes me a better, more grateful mom. It’s what gets me running full force into the arms of Jesus. It’s also what helps to make me look more like Him.

Oh dear friends, this road is anything but easy. In fact, it’s hard as hell. It’s brutal, and soul crushing,and heart wrenching. It’s painful, it’s unfair. And just. Plain. Hard. But can I tell you one thing it’s not? It isn’t hopeless. Of course there are moments, even days that it feels that way. But that feeling never stays. No. Jesus doesn’t let it. And even on the nights when I’m afraid of a new day, it still comes. And with it, new promises, fresh hope, and the ever-loving arms of Jesus. I still cry, and feel sad, and ache so badly to hold those boys in my arms. And that’s ok, good even. That’s the way God intended it to be. But I don’t ever have to lose hope.

Are you hurting today, dear one? Is the weight of death, or grief, or even life, hanging over your head? Me too. All of it. I feel it hard. Even now, as I sit here at this desk typing these words, I have tears falling down my face. I. Feel. It. Hard. And as much as I was trying to avoid it this year, I’m ok with it now. It doesn’t feel good, allowing my heart to actually feel the pain I’m trying to hide, but it’s necessary. It’s part of the healing. I’m trying to embrace it and let the walls I’ve built up around myself fall. I have so far to go on this journey of healing. I don’t know what it all will look like. It’s unsettling for me to not be in control. But I know that I’m going to be ok, because I know that my God is Good. I’m not alone. I never will be. And while I will never have a Mother’s Day that isn’t shrouded in pain, I have much to be grateful for.

I guess I need to get used to this whole “joy and grief” simultaneous thing, because it goes far beyond Mother’s Day, and into every single day of my life. I invite you to join me on my journey, because even though our circumstances may be different, we need each other. We need someone beside us to breathelife into us when we feel like we’re suffocating. We need someone to help us stand when we feel too broken to hold ourselves up. We need someone to help us see when our eyes are too blurred by tears. We need someone to take our hand when we seem to have forgotten our way. We need each other. And I’m so glad God intended it that way.

March really got away from me, guys. While I did work on my #Create2019 series, I didn’t give it nearly the time or the effort that I wanted to. We had so much going on, and it is really hard to try and draw with a 13 month old wanting to sit on your lap every time you pull out the paper, pens, and colored pencils. It also just so happens that every time I pull out all of said things, the other 3 children want to join in on the activity. Not a bad thing, but it is terribly distracting. And, not to mention, after sitting at the kitchen table homeschooling for a good portion of the day, I really like to spend some of my time elsewhere in the house. 😅

In case you didn’t pick up on the large hint I just dropped (and the picture at the top of the post), my creative endeavor for this month was to get better at drawing. And believe you me, it won’t take much for me to improve, because drawing is not my strong suit. I did not inherit the amazing artistic skills of my 2 sisters. I’m creative in a lot of other ways, but drawing is not on my list of things that I’m good at.

That being said, I really, really enjoy doodling here and there. I have this book, How To Draw Modern Florals. I really like it, but it is a little more time consuming.

When I wanted to do something less heavy, I turned to Pinterest. There are some really fun/easy options for how to draw little doodles for bullet journals. These turned out to be my favorite.

Here’s my Pinterest board for all the tiny drawings if you want to check it out. Otherwise, you can search for whatever you want and 1,000 different things will pop up. These are the ones I was able to do.

Like I said, not much, and far from perfect. But I did learn a few things about myself. When I’m feeling short on time, and there are a lot of distractions, drawing really stresses me out. However, when the house is dark and quiet, and there are zero distractions, it has the opposite effect. I really enjoy it, and it’s a huge stress reliever. I guess there’s something to be said about the right place at the right time, huh?

Anyway, I’ve decided to stretch the whole drawing thing into April, because I didn’t get to spend near the time on this project as I would have liked. And while I was originally planning on doing something baking related, Blake and I are doing the 21 Day Fix this month, and what fun is practicing baking if you don’t get to eat it? So I’m pushing that back to another month. …Just don’t tell Autumn…because the things I want to bake are certainly not 21 Day Fix approved. 😂🍰(I would, right now, like to make the disclaimer that I am not a Beachbody coach, we are only participants, and I only mention it because it’s relevant to this specific month). 😅Hopefully later on in the month I can post some more pictures of some other drawings I’ve done. Hopefully. As always, thanks for coming along for the ride!