I love Mother’s Day. It’s the perfect day to spend time with loved ones, get some yard work done, and make excuses for eating that extra donut (I’ve raised 3 kids, I totally earned it, right?). My girls are super festive-especially my oldest. They LOVE to celebrate. I can’t blame them, they get it from me. The very first thing Lane said to me when we woke up this morning was, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!” In fact, I think I love this little holiday more and more every year.
I am so grateful for the family that God has given me. A loving husband, three beautiful girls. They give me all the warm and fuzzy feelings. All of them. I love getting to be a momma. It’s such a beautiful privilege. I have learned so much these past 5 years, and I wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world. Truly, I am so very blessed. However, on this day, I can’t help but turn my heart and mind to those babies that I’ve lost. Judah’s birthday is May 2, and my due date for the twins was supposed to be at the end of May, which makes this a particularly difficult month for us.
I don’t understand why my babies had to be taken away from me-I don’t think I ever will. I long for their arms around my waist and to hear their tiny voices whisper, “I love you” into my ear. How I wish I could have seen their grubby little fingers as they helped to plant our garden today, to see their muddy footprints all over our floors. These are things I will not have this side of heaven. And I don’t know why. I feel the weight of it every day. But particularly this month, and especially today. It’s not an easy road to walk, I don’t think it ever will be. I hear different things from different people. “It never gets any easier” “Things will get better, just give it time” “There will be good days and bad days.” I think they’re all true, in different ways. In some ways, it simply does not get easier. It is never easy to look at little boy clothes, or to hear about twins. Some things are truly better-my perspective for one. And while a part of me aches all the time, some days I simply ache more than others. Today is one of those days.
So for all of you beautiful women out there-those who have lost babies, and those who cannot have babies, know this: I’m right there in the trenches with you. You are not alone in your pain. And while I may or may not know you, I am praying for you. It’s ok if Mother’s Day is a hard day for you. It’s a hard day for me too. And my sorrow does not negate my joy. Somehow they are intertwining to write a beautiful story-one I could never write on my own. It is well known that there is beauty in joy, but there is beauty in sadness as well; a beauty all it’s own, a beauty we may not ever understand. But God is working, He’s painting a picture we can’t quite yet see. I yearn for the day when I can see my Savior face to face and He can show me the beauty that lay in all of my pain.
But until then, sweet friends, let’s cling to one another. Let’s pray for each other, lift each other up. Laugh together, cry together, rejoice and weep and celebrate and mourn-sometimes all at the same time. Let’s hold each other’s hands and walk this road together. Because, beloved, this road was never meant to be walked alone.